Rock Bottom

Have you ever hit rock bottom? I've been feeling like I've hit it for the past three months, but this morning was especially hard.

Ok here's it is. Everything out in the open.

I have $62 in cash (some change too), zero money in savings because I used it all to launch my non-profit and aid the people going hungry in Mozambique this summer, credit card debt, student loans, and no job. My non-profit barely brings in enough money for our programs on the ground let alone a salary or even subsidy for me. I had been lucky enough to stay in my family's extra cottage for free, but now they want me to start paying rent as punishment because they don't think my boyfriend is right for me (they've never met him, but they "know"), and they want me to break-up with him. 

I called my boyfriend in Mozambique this morning who said he's "not ok" because he hasn't eaten all day and his heart hurts. I'm pretty sure he was hangry because he wouldn't even elaborate about what his "heart hurts" meant. We've both been extra irritable lately because of our financial situations and stress-- oh and the hunger crisis for him. I think (read: assume) that he thinks that I am worthless without money because I'm not living up to my "rich white person" role. I also think he gets angry because of this too and gets mad at the situation for us having to deal with discussions about this all the time. 

It's frustrating to me because I don't feel right telling him about everything I'm going through when he can't even eat more than one meal a day. But I want him to know my problems too! But I can't. My credit card, no job, no family problems seem frivilous compared to his hunger.

I don't trust my best friend right now because she lied to me about a stupid thing, but then other people close to her who I trust stole money from me and lied, too, so now I don't trust anyone.

So I'm without a place to live, without my family, without my best friend, without my boyfriend, without money, without a job, and with lots of debt and self-hatred.

What do I have? I have people who are trying to lighten my mood. Who try to give me suggestions on how to feel better and that it will get better. I have friends who say I can stay with them until I figure things out, but I just think that I'll be a burden. I have friends who offer to loan me money, but I don't want more debt. Even though so many people have said they are there for me, I don't trust them right now, and I distance myself even more. If I can't trust my family and best friend, how can I trust anyone else?

"In times of crisis, you lift up your life and everything that you thought you needed falls away and you're left with what you really needed." - Glennon Melton Doyle

During this period of "rock bottom" I think that the only place I can go is up. Even though it's difficult and I just want to stay in bed all day and watch re-runs of The Office on Netflix while eating double pepperoni Round Table pizza and brownies (which I can't right now because I'm doing Whole30-- such a good thing, because if I wasn't eating healthy right now I know that there would be a lot more tears and emotional ups and downs), I need to take some strides forward.

What's one thing I can do right now to help my situation? I can look on craigslist again and see if there are any job openings. One more thing? I can go to the gym...

It will get better. It will.